Doing my best.

My grandmother, my mom's mom, died when I was in middle school.  I remember her as a fun lady who always had pretty, sparkly tiaras and jewelry for me to play with when we went to visit.  I later learned that when you live in New Orleans, where life is a constant party, you always have access to New Year's Eve hats and blow horns and Mardi Gras beads.  I also remember the giant marlin that hung above the wicker sofa in their living room.  Apparently this was the source of much embarrassment for my mom growing up...  But I remember it being kind of cool for a twelve year old.  I had never seen a fish so big in my whole life.  I remember spending summer vacations at the beach with them.  These are the innocent memories of a middle schooler.

My grandmother died when she fell and broke her hip and got an infection in the hospital.  She was also in the later stages of Alzheimer's.

I remember seeing my mom crying at the kitchen table.  I hadn't seen my mom cry much until that point so it was weird.  She shared a story with me that I will never forget.

My mom went to see her mom in the hospital days before she died.  She told her, "You were a good mom."  My grandmother looked at my mother, the fifth of her six children, and said through tears, "I did the best I could."

I did the best I could.

Twenty years later and I still remember that.

Yesterday I forgot Tristan's snack for school.

I remembered his lunch.  I remembered to pack everything he'd asked for in it.  I remembered to set out his uniform the night before.  I remembered to pack Pierce's snack and set out his uniform.  I remembered to cut the sandwiches exactly the way they like them, in rectangles for Tristan and squares for Pierce.  I remembered to brush their teeth and comb their hair.  I remembered their vitamins.  I remembered to tie Tristan's shoes the special way he likes them tied - when I tie them left handed with a special double knot that I have no idea where I learned how to do and really looks just like everybody else's double knot but for some reason seems different to him.  I remembered the dry cleaning, the milk at the grocery store, and the gas in the car.

But I forgot Tristan's snack.

When I picked him up from school and realized what had happened I nearly crumbled.  I felt so horrible.  Tristan is about to eat us out of house and home - He is hungry ALL THE TIME and I knew he must be absolutely starving.  I told him how sorry I was and when we got home he got whatever snack his little heart desired.

After about an hour I went up to him and said, "T, I am so sorry I forgot your snack.  I really am just doing the very best I can."  He looked hard at me and gave me a great big hug.  He said, "I know you are Mommy.  I love you so much."

I have no words.  Thank you Lord.